Soap Gets In Your Ears: Part 2

The ultra-trashy novels of Harold Robbins have provided some entertaining, glossy sleaze over the years (see The Carpetbaggers, The Betsy and The Adventurers, for starters), but sitting at the top of the trash heap is The Lonely Lady. This side-splitting1983 soaper stars Pia Zadora as a wide-eyed aspiring screenwriter who gets raped with a garden hose (by Ray Liotta) and decides to sleep her way to the top of the Hollywood elite, thanks to her brilliant writing prowess and ability to copulate on pool tables. Featuring one of the funniest mental breakdown sequences ever filmed, this gem from once-talented Hammer director Peter Sasdy (Countess Dracula, Hands of the Ripper) won a boatload of Razzies and is still screaming out for a DVD release. The soundtrack is a wonderfully ripe chunk of '80s pop excess, including an over-the-top theme song (by "Ellis Hall, Jr.") and, best of all, a zippy cover of the Belle Stars' "The Clapping Song" enhanced by the vocal stylings of Ms. Zadora herself.